Meeting at 9 AM

I have had a most extraordinary morning.

It started out in the usual way - make coffee, remove cat from mantle (he likes to get up there while I am trying to read or meditate in the morning), shower, eat, make lunch. Then off to the bus stop - safe in the knowledge that all is going well and I will be to work in plenty of time for the 9am meeting.

Standing at bus stop - Ahhh, spring is coming. The trees are flowering - lots of dark pink and white blossoms everywhere. A great blue heron flew overhead. I watch a crow examining an empty candy wrapper. Said good morning to my fellow bus riders as they arrived at the stop. Wait, what time is it - oh, the bus is now about 15 minutes late. So I scurry across the street for the alternative bus - it goes by packed to the gills, the driver cheerily waves as he passes the stop. So back across the street to the original bus stop. And the bus comes - at this point I know I have missed the shuttle to work but am hopeful that I will make my connection at the transfer point and still get to work with some time to spare...

No, it is not to be. I miss the connection and have to wait another 10 minutes or so for the next bus. Now it begins to sink in that well, I may be late for the meeting. The next bus comes, traffic is bad, and yes, I am now convinced that I will be late for the meeting.

Then the usual voice in my head starts up - the voice that likes to place blame on me and make me feel guilty for everything up to and including the Spanish Inquisition, the situation in the Middle East and global warming. Yup, all my fault! This morning the voice was a bit gentler and started in with "well, you should have known this would happen. You should have gotten up earlier, gotten an earlier bus...blah blah blah"

Then out of seemingly nowhere - another voice in my head said (yes there is a cast of thousands in my head - I need a shirt or button that says "are the voices in my head bothering you") but anyway. I am not sure I have ever heard this voice before but this other voice says "It is not my fault nor am I to blame for the lateness of the bus, for missing my connection, and for being late to the meeting. I did what I was supposed to do this morning - the rest, well, it is out of my control..." and then this voice shrugged and settled back and thought about the great blue heron and the crow and how lovely early spring is.

I blinked and settled back in my seat and felt this great sense of peace flow over me. I wasn't anxious and afraid the way I usually am in these situations. Wow, somethings are out of my control, what a concept - and the world does not come to a screeching halt if I admit that. And I can do everything I am supposed to do and still have a frustrating outcome. And it isn't always my fault, I am not to blame. I am going to have to ponder this for a while I know.

So I got to work - and lo and behold the meeting had been postponed. So if I would have gotten anxious and fearful, it would have been for nothing - but then I would have felt anxious all day and would have had to make up something to feel anxious about so that all that good anxiety didn't just go to waste... Yes, this is how it goes in my psyche. And here I am admitting it to you. But then most people who know me well already know that I do this to myself. Mr. R. calls it my free floating anxiety. Today, I let go of the string and watched the free floating anxiety float away. I know that there is more where this came from - but for today...

Extraordinary!